At the beginning of my junior year of high school, my second year on Undignified, I was extremely excited about wherever we would end up going in April. After an absolutely incredible, life-changing experience in Nicaragua the year before, I knew that, wherever God sent the team, we would accomplish huge things for His Kingdom and be forever changed. When I found out that we would be going to Haiti, I was, admittedly, a little bit more uncomfortable, solely because I knew the language barrier would be much greater than in a Spanish-speaking country. However, I knew that God would not send us into a situation we were unable to bear, and I was excited to see what God would do through me and the rest of the team. And then the earthquake hit. If nothing else, knowing about the devastation of the nation of Haiti and the seeming hopelessness of the situation caused me to become even more passionate and excited about being able to go to Haiti.
As the deluge of information and reports and pictures came in about the situation in Haiti, my love for these people continued to grow. It seemed ridiculous, in a way. How is it that one can love a person or group of people without even meeting them? And without God, I don’t believe that it is even possible for that to be. However, because of God’s love for me, I was able to honestly love the people of Haiti. I could absolutely not wait to be able to go and help them rebuild, and show them the love and hope that only Jesus Christ can give a person, and that He has given me every single day of my life. As the days and weeks passed, God continued to grow a passion in my heart like none I had ever experienced before. It seemed that each time I opened my Bible to read, God would show me another verse, another chapter that was so pertinent to the situation in Haiti.
And then I got sick.
About two weeks before the scheduled departure for Port-au-Prince, I got a sore throat. It seemed like no big deal, until it would not subside. I continually became increasingly sick, and the doctors had no idea what I had. In the end, I was out of school and miserable for eight days. I finally began feeling better about four days before the team was leaving for Haiti. Because of my compromised immune system, it was decided that I would be unable to go. The whole time I was sick, I kept praying that I would wake up the next morning rejuvenated and healed, ready to go. I couldn’t even seem to wrap my mind around the thought that I might not be able to go to Haiti, that I might have to be separated from my family that is the Undignified team. It seemed impossible that God would give me such a love and passion for these people, provide all the necessary funds to go, and then stop me from going.
And yet that was His plan. He knew from the beginning of time that I was not supposed to be in Haiti at that time. I knew that, and I know that. However, even with that knowledge, the realization that I could not go was still one of the most difficult things I have ever been faced with. Having to say goodbye to the team was beyond painful. I love being able to serve God, and to love on His children, and the feeling that I was being stopped from doing that hurt more than I thought I could bear.
While it seemed like I was missing out on an experience with God in Haiti by having to stay home, this was definitely not the case. While I didn’t have an incredible, passionate, “mountaintop” experience with Jesus while I was home, my faith was strengthened incredibly. I learned to trust God more than I ever even thought possible. Before this experience, I knew that God had a purpose and a plan for my life, of course. I knew that He had a reason for doing whatever He did in my life. But I knew it in my head. I knew all the Bible verses and it seemed like I completely understood that God had a reason for keeping me from going to Haiti. However, like I said, it was head knowledge. I never really knew it in my heart, because, in all honesty, I had never before truly had to lean on it.
I don’t think this knowledge fully made its way from my head down to my heart until the team came back from Haiti. They hadn’t had a “mountaintop” experience with God either, it seemed. They learned to be true servants, to not need recognition for their work, to do whatever God asked of them without complaint or questioning. They learned to say, “Yes, Lord,” in every situation, no matter how uncomfortable, painful, or difficult to understand. When I began hearing these stories, I realized that they rang true to my heart and what it had learned from this experience.
I have truly come to the realization that whatever God wants from me I must give to Him. It comes down to the perfect trust we are called to put in Him. Although none of us are perfect, He is. We may never understand why He is calling us to do a certain thing, go to a certain place, or even not do a certain thing, or not got to a certain place. While what we want to do might be a completely good, godly thing, if it is not according to God’s will, we have to trust that it is not right. Being a servant comes down to doing whatever is needed at the time, regardless of compensation or cost to oneself. We are supposed to be God’s servants, so we must do whatever God asks of us, no matter what.
God called me to be prepared to go to Haiti, and, in the end, not go. Without planning on going to Haiti, I don’t believe that I would have had the same love for its people that I had, and still have. God showed me how to truly love people, and not just my friends, my family, the people I know. I can honestly say that I love the people of Haiti. I have never met any of them, and yet I love them, which is how I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is God who has given me this love.
True love and perfect trust are the two things I learned, and am still learning, through this experience. If I love God, I will trust Him. It’s as simple as that.
